Newsong church currently just finished a series called Chaos. I think that would appropriately summarize my life at this current moment. I just recently saw one of my final class grade and let's just say I am going to have to retake the class. No big deal right? Wrong, it's a big, big, BIG deal for me. My parents constantly challenged me to plan ahead and for once I did. I pretty much planned out the rest of years left at UCI. I had plans to study abroad, plans for summer school, plans for grad-school and plans for vacation. All of these plans came apart because of one little thing...one little class that I have to retake. Oh my God. Literally. Oh my God, why does this has to happen to me. Why did He decide to make my life so much tougher, so much more stressful. Everything was set up so perfectly and God decides that He wants to infuse a little chaos into my life. In all honesty, this quarter has been really tough for me. I admit it. I lied. That's right, I lied. I was not doing fine and my life recently has been really tough. I don't even know where to start, but I'm going to try.
You know that feeling where you felt like you find somewhere or something you belong to and your proud to be part of it? Well, I had that feeling last year when I joined my college ministry, the Edge. It was an amazing experience last year, however this year feels different to me. It still is a great ministry and it has so much to offer and the potential to turn into something beyond amazing, but for some reason I don't know what it is, but for some reason I'm not feeling it this year. I feel like everyone got so much closer this year and I pretty much stayed in the same place. I didn't advance with my relationship with others but at the same time I didn't go backwards. At the same time I feel like my relationship with God is not going anywhere either. I'm not walking forward nor am I moving backwards. I'm like in this limbo where I am simply not moving in any direction. One of my friends asked me why am I still part of the Edge and I couldn't answer that question. I still don't know the answer to that question as of now. Honestly, my whole experience with the Edge this year has been a very bittersweet. I'm honestly not feeling anything when I'm going the large group meetings, Re:act. I still enjoy being around the people there and they are so welcoming and friendly. The messages, on the other hand, are not hitting home with me, I'm not really feeling worship that much, at times I feel like I'm left out from a lot of group outings...I just don't know what is going on with me.
On the topic of friendship, I feel like I'm somewhat fading with one of my friend that I really got close with last year. A couple of times I asked her if we could have a talk, usually for me to vent about something or get some advice from (I consider her pretty wise and comforting to talk to) but recently she's kind of been putting me off. Well not really putting me off, but like she never has time now but I feel like when she does have time she usually is with her other friend that she recently became close with this past year. It's always one of us are to busy at one time to talk to each other this year so it is understandable that we are not able to talk as much. However,one time when I found out she was talking with her other friend after I asked her if we could talk, I'm not going to lie, I was hurt. I won't tell her but I really felt like she pushed me aside. I am really hope that we can start doing our talks again but as of right now...things just don't look like they favor me.
All my life, the biggest question for me has been what am I going to do when I grow up. This year I finally found out that I want to become a physical therapist, but God is making it very difficult for me. My classes this quarter have been very tough and I feel confident about two of my classes but one of my class I have to retake sometime soon. This really sucks. I was planning on going to London this summer to study abroad for physics and spend next summer doing summer school classes that I need for PT (physical therapy) school. Now I have to retake this class during one of my summer because I simply won't have enough time to retake it during the school year because I'm switching majors which means I have to take other classes to "catch up." Not only will that only complicate things, this class will lower my GPA like mad meaning it will be really hard for me to apply for things because of my low GPA won't meet the requirements.
Why do bad things happen to good people? I'm not just talking about me, I'm talking about EVERYONE.
You always see those stories on the news reporting a story of a family that experienced tragedy. They were simple law-abiding citizens that did not deserve it yet it happened. The other day I was asked to join a Facebook group for a guy who has lost his wife, his two baby daughters, and his mother-in-law in a freak accident. The guy was a co-pastor. We're talking about a freaking Co-pastor here. This guy is as Holy as it gets. Why does something like that has to happen to someone like that? Why does God allow that? Those two babies didn't even get a chance to experience a childhood. My friend's laptop was stolen during finals week and she was shining example of a good Christian. Why did she have to go through more stress than she needed during an already stressful time? I am just confused. Honestly, I think it is more than just God testing us. I really wish there was someone out there that can give me the answer to that question.
Does God answer all prayers? As of right now, I don't think that God think what I'm praying for is significant because He has not answered my prayers at all this entire quarter. I prayed for a successful small group. I have yet to have at least two official small group meetings. I asked for Him to help me through my finals. He instead makes life so much more difficult for me. What do I have to do to get my prayers answered? Why does whenever I pray really hard for something, the opposite happens. What does this mean? Am I screwing up somewhere? Why is it every time I ask for guidance or answers I am left with more questions and more lost than before? Am I not listening hard enough? Am I not looking hard enough?
I don't get it. I did what I could to go further in my walk with God, yet I don't feel like I'm moving anywhere. I've prayed and He doesn't answer. I looked and I can't see what He wants me to do. I listened and I can't hear Him at times. What am I missing? Why is He making me go through so much crap? He gives me one of the most amazing summer experience in my life and then He gives me one of the toughest quarters of my life. What does He want me to do? They say that everything that happens for a reason and God will take care of me in the end. I don't understand why I have to go through so much, so many ups and downs, in order for me to realize what He wants me to do.
Someone please help me understand what is going on.
This guy pictures are so inspiring...This is something that will keep me upbeat in a down time...it looks better bigger.
4 comments:
Jeremy, this entry is so full of insight, yet also so full of heartbreak. I'm really sorry that you're going through all of this, especially with your grade. A friend of mine from my church failed his class for the first time in his entire life, and he's kind of questioning everything, too.
Honestly, I unfortunately don't know you as well as I'd like to, especially on a deeper, spiritual level, so I can't give you the best advice when it comes to this, but honestly, just remember to have patience and know that God will reveal why everything is happening in the end. Right now, everything may seem chaotic, but just continue to trust God and believe that everything will be okay, because I truly believe that in the future, it will all make sense.. hindsight is 20/20, right?
Whether this is God testing you to see how much you are willing to go through and still follow and trust in God, or if this is God's way of waking you up and telling you that you need put even more faith in him, or if this was in some way an unintended result of some of your own actions and you just have to wait for God to come and fix things with his Grace, I will pray for you, and I just hope that you will have patience. Just never think that God isn't there for you, that He can't hear your prayers, and that His heart isn't hurting for your hurting heart. He loves you, which is something that I don't even have to tell you. Chin up, k? :)
Oh, son... I understand your frustration. As humans we *need* things to be logical, to make sense; but one of the most peculiar things about life is also one of the most painful-- that it doesn't *have* to make sense. It just IS. So when things go bad or bad things happen, you begin to question, get frustrated, angry; you want someone or something to blame. When that moment comes, just take a deep breath and BREATHE. Let it happen.
The things in your life aren't always direct results of the effort you put into it; some of what we experience comes from all sorts of people and places and as results of actions that are not always our own. To think they are is to foolishly think that the world revolves around us; of course, it does not. Perhaps we can look to human error and sin as reasoning for the things that have come to pass-- not just put the weight of it on God. To say that this was all a work of God absolves anyone else-- you, your friends, robbers, etc-- of any responsibility or blame. We are only human and thus, we must accept that with good times come bad times. All we can do is pray for the strength to continue and the patience to know that tomorrow is always another day to begin anew. That's one of the many ways God works; he gives you the tools and opportunities (and challenges) you need to not just live or get by, but grow and thrive. So learn from today and when tomorrow comes, give thanks and be glad that you are gifted with another chance to not just make things right, but make things better. Do not lose faith; it will see you through this to the bigger picture. Trust.
I told my Brudder Suj / your uncle this once, and I think you should hear it, too: There are blue skies ahead, and there will be dark and rainy ones, but that’s what umbrellas are for :P -- and that's what friends are for, too. And mom's :]
i love you, son, and i'm always here to listen.
i remember what my sister said about the clouds, though i don't remember the context of it. but it still stands.
we are weathered. in living, we endure. the endure pleasures as well as pains. but that's the thing, we don't give in to either. to keep our humanity and focus, we weather.
i can see that you are going through a lot at the post, and it's hard for me to really say anything right now. i've read this post days ago, and i tried to figure out what to really say in response to it. but i couldn't, because though it disheartens me to know you are going through all this, this is your process.
you've grown so much from when i first met you. that i am sure of and that i am very proud of. i have no doubt in your wisdom and ability to handle, tackle, and adapt to your current situation. i just know it all takes time.
there are bad days. there are good days. just look at the bigger picture. we have days, and that is a blessing in itself.
Post a Comment