Audience of One

It's been a while since I wrote something meaningful in my blog. I recently got a Tumblr account and I've been using it to post the random thoughts or things I find interesting instead of posting them here. I've grown very attached to this blog and I believe it would benefit me more if I used this blog as a medium for my thoughts. Which brings up this little question that was bugging me today. Why do I continue to write in this blog?

I'm actually really shy in contrast to outgoing personality some people think I have. So it wouldn't make any sense why I am willing to share some things that I would normally consider personal on an online blog that anyone can read. Granted I can make it a private blog but for some reason I just don't bother keeping my privacy. Instead I write my thoughts and events in my life like an open book for everyone to read. So what is my motivation to continue writing in this blog?

I used to have this conceited belief that some people were interested about things in my life and I relied on the comments that people would leave on some of my posts as affirmation. But after this past couple of quarters I realized that this blog help me learn something about myself. I love to write, read, and learn. I love the idea and image of school being a environment where learning is encouraged, but I hate the concept of school being an institution forcing us to learn.

I enjoy writing in this blog because I'm not writing to impress a professor or someone else, I'm writing for me. I always enjoyed the process of creative writing but I always hated receiving my papers and judging the quality of my paper based on one letter/number/fraction that is often found in red and circled. I love reading and learning but I hate studying. Studying is forces me to cram information into my heads when I know it is very likely I may forget the information that I've just learned after the test. Yet, some of the things I learn from my classes in school are simply mind-blowing and I want to know more without time becoming a constraint or an issue. This blog gives me the freedom to write whatever I want and not be judged. I could care less if someone is to critique my grammar or vocabulary usage on here; it's MY blog and I have the freedom to write whatever I want.

For the Bboys and Bgirls

This still blows my mind.

Youthfulness Doesn't Fade

We can only pretend youth fades with age.

Rejection

Rejection always hard to swallow especially when it's from something you love. In fact, rejection hurts a lot and there aren't many words that can properly describe it. Today I received my acceptance/rejection e-mail. I wasn't sure if I wanted to open the e-mail but I figured I should open it anyways because I'm bound to find out one way or another. When I opened it, my heart sunk because it was a short e-mail. Short e-mails always mean you got rejected from something, but I read the e-mail anyways.

I've been preparing myself for the rejection these past couple of days but for some reason this hit me a lot harder than I expected it to. I guess that subconsciously I wanted to be a returner a lot more than I realized. Granted I'm still pretty young so I'll have another shot next year but I can't help but wonder what if I don't get it next year either.

What really bugs me is I knew most of the coords but the problem with that is, well, they know me as well. So it raises the question of why did they think I wasn't ready to be a returner. That question has been bugging me a lot these past couple of minutes and I'm having a really hard time coping with it.

I won't lie and say that not getting returner wasn't a big deal to me because it is. I can't really describe how I feel right now; it's a mixture of excitement for the new staffers and returners and some sadness because I won't be able share the experience with them. Life is weird like that. However, I guess the one thing that SPOP has given me that cheered me up today is my love of dance. After reading the e-mail the only thing I wanted to do was dance because I knew it would make me feel better and it would take my mind off the rejection. So that's what I did, I drove out to the ARC and danced away my problems. Dance is the perfect fusion of my love of music and my desire to express myself in an artistic form. 

"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. " ~Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Edit: I've been thinking about something...it must of been really hard on the coords to reject people they personally knew. I can't imagine how I would handle that situation. 

Rumble Tumble

So I finally cracked and made a Tumblr account. I'm still going to keep this blog alive but I'm planning to use the Tumblr account for my more random thoughts/pictures/media stuff that I like. I'm planning to use this blog mainly to convey my current thoughts. Sooooo check it....

The World Inside My Head

The Time is Near

It's tenth week already and I'm still trying to figure out how this quarter went by so fast. I noticed that I've been a little more stressed this past week but I think the stress is the result of a culmination of things rather than my finals causing it. Perhaps the thing that is bugging me the most is the SPOP acceptance/rejection e-mail that I'm expecting.

I really, really want to be become a returner and I was blessed by the fact that I had the chance to be a staffer early in my college experience so I have one more year to try if I don't make it this year. Yet, if I was to receive the rejection letter, I wouldn't know how to react. As I expressed numerous time throughout this blog, I hold SPOP very close to my heart for a variety reasons that are very personal for me. So, if I was to be rejected I can only think that the most logical reason is I didn't meet the coords criteria for a returner. Every SPOP staff is unique in their own way and it's very evident if we were to compare them side-by-side. We'll have some similarities but not very many, so if I didn't make it this year, I simply didn't fit the vision of the coords which is perfectly fine. However, I would be lying to myself if I believed that not making returner is not a big deal. Ever since leaving the program two summers ago, the one thing I wanted to do the most before graduating was to come back to SPOP and be a returner. I owe a lot of my personal growth to the program, so I want to give back and help those who were like me discover their own potential and help them realize it. I miss helping spoppers come to learn and appreciate UCI. The whole experience of SPOP was freaking amazing for me and I really hope that I have the opportunity to do it again.

Now I just have to mentally prepare myself for the rejection because it is very possible that I get it despite how hard I wish for acceptance e-mail. However, it's important for me to realize that I was lucky enough to experience being a staffer once and that I have a bunch of people at UCI that I can call my spoppers. It's a huge blessing to have my spoppers and to be able to still talk to them as friend now. I enjoyed watching them grow these past two years at UCI and become more involved in organizations and activities. I can't wait to see what my spoppers do next and I am very proud of each and everyone of them.

I think I used this quote before but I'm going to use it again as I believe it is very appropriate for what I'm feeling right now.

"There are two ways to live your life - one is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is a miracle." -Albert Einstein